What Hurts More Than A Breakup?

by - 2:38:00 PM

Image Source: https://weheartit.com/entry/339526464


Fvck breakups, have you ever lost your passion?

At times like this, I always go back to 2009... when I wrote it here my very first reason and purpose why I decided to join the blogosphere. It's not always because I want to influence others, it's not always because I wanted to inspire... and I've been saying this a million times before, now I am back to reminding myself that I am here because I wanted something to look back to when I am old or for my grandkids to know more about me... and now it led me here, as much as how the passion died down, I am here writing another personal entry that I won't promise to be coherent because I've always been a messy writer... and I miss that. I miss pouring my heart out into words over coffee.. I am here because I want myself to read this in the future, and pat myself on the back for making it, and for surviving it. 

So just few days back I just suddenly decided to hide and deactivate all my social media channels and messenger apps. It was actually a very impulsive, spur of the moment move after talking to one of my internet turned real life friend, something about she said that switched on my overthinking mode. I just suddenly decided to not talk to anyone... and the fact that we are currently in a situation where we mostly talk to people through social media, it was a big move for me, not to mention that I really couldn't get my hands off my phone since forever. I disabled all my Instagram accounts, unpublished my Facebook pages... I just temporarily closed all mediums where people see updates about me and how I am doing. 

I made it for almost two weeks, and I am proud I was able to do that. But why? The first few days, I really couldn't figure it out why I made such move. I just did it while confused with all the possible reasons I have in my head. I thought at first it was because I disappointed the people who mattered to me (I've learned it in my 30+ years of existence that I should and will only just think and care about what the people who matters to me think about me..), you know the past few months, I have been questioning my sanity over my sudden obsessions, my overreactions to fictions, my hyperfocus self. I thought I am becoming weirder and weirder, I am being too sensitive and too insensitive. I have been denying it to myself, I thought I wanted people to accept me as me. "Okay lang yan, tanggap ka naman nila kung sino ka.", I've been telling myself this a hundred times... "At kung sakaling hindi man, then they're not your people.", I told myself this a million times more. 

But the truth is, it's not okay. It's not okay for me to just to be accepted for who I am, because I wanted to be better, better than what they perceive me to be. And I thought this was it, turned out it isn't. A few days into detox, like a lightbulb, I kind of figured out why... The overthinking was just an effect of something bigger that is happening inside me. I finally realized why I snapped and gone into hiding... it is because I was grieving. 

I used to be so passionate. I used to be so passionate in love, in being a mother, in being a "blogger/influencer"— creating content... I even used to be so passionate in simple things like just dressing up, journaling, fangirling... then all of a sudden, I lost it. I lost my passion, I lost my will to do the things I used to love doing. And because of it, now I feel so lost too. I feel like something in me died. That's why I am grieving. I am grieving for the death of my passionate self. 

Now, I didn't know what to do or where to go from here... I felt tired of doing the same thing, nothing everyday—a hollow, depressed potato. I am stuck. I used to be so proud of myself, y'know. I used to excel in almost everything I do... well "used to", because when you ask me now, like in a job interview, "What are your strengths?" I'll never be able to answer you with the list of things I am good at or most proud of, unless I lie. Right now, I think everything I do is never enough.  "Jack of all trades, master of none", they say. And it's disappointing and tiring. I've always wanted to be something, but never enough... and I guess that took my drive away.  Don't get me wrong, this isn't another (tw: mentions of dying, suicide) suicidal write-up, I am way past that. I don't want to die. I love my family too much to even consider dying. It's just that, I feel like an empty shell, like I am losing my soul... like a zombie, I live for the sake of living.

I guess that's why I was so drawn into fiction, and was going a little over my "overreaction", because I feel so dead inside. Fiction gives me emotions I've been craving to feel... too much happiness, too much giddiness, but also too much anger, and later too much anxiety. But I thought these emotions were not real. Maybe that's why I've been too sensitive and too insensitive with the people around me too... eventually and ironically, I felt too much of everything but I invalidated all my "too much" emotions because I thought they're nonexistent, like fiction. I ended up feeling like I want to disappear, and so I did. 

4 days ago, I went back online. Why? I think it's because I missed the warmth of the people who truly appreciated my existence even just online. I found out some people were actually looking for me... and suddenly it felt like a warm hug. It was so comforting. 

If you ask me if I still feel the same... I still do, I am still grieving. But like what I always do when I fall down, I get up and start again. Realizing all these made me acknowledge my fears, disappointments, and my emotions, I started thinking that they are not nonexistent but they are valid. 

Like what I last posted before going hiatus, I'll let it be. This actually might be just a passing thought, a little early midlife crisis, or just birthday blues... I really don't know. I still can't figure out life at 33 but I am letting it be. Will I find my passion again? I really don't know but I guess I'd give it to Time. Maybe time will tell when. Maybe time will give me back what I lost. In time I'll be okay. But until then, I will face life head-on. 

I just remembered what my bestfriend/boss told me 3 years ago...


"You have constantly been growing and changing and improving and developing, life has gotten awesome (with some bumps on the road, sure)"

"If you met yourself 10, 7 or 5 years ago you would have said you were stuck and not moving forward... Even 2 years ago you'd say the same thing."

"Our day to day life feels unchanging, but when we look back, we can see how far we truly have come ❤️ and that translates to the future also, it's just frustrating because you don't have the perspective yet like you do when you look back"

And I am holding on to this now until one day I'll find my passion back. 

PS. I warned you that this might be messy. But I am making this a blogpost not to spread negativity... I am posting this because there might be someone out there who feels the same, I guess it feels kinda comforting to know that you are not alone. Sharing this excerpt from one of my favorite fanfictions..

I just accept it. I accept things the way they are. May mga bagay na hindi ko na mababago, mga bagay na hindi ko kayang ayusin ng sarili ko lang. Kaya what I do is I focus on things I can actually change. Alam ko isang araw, mahahanap ko rin yung lugar ko sa mundo. Maliligaw lang pero hindi titigil sa paglakad. 

I know. It sucks. Pero aren't we all a little lost in one way or another? Walang may hawak ng cheat sheet ng buhay. So if you think about it, we are all at the same footing. We all have crosses we have to bear and fights we have to fight. That thought kind of comforts me in a way. 

Kasi diba? Mahirap man ang buhay, at least mahirap siya para sa lahat. Iba-iba lang ang bigat ng krus, pero pare-parehas tayong may pasan. Life hates us all equally. Walang lamangan. 

Kidding aside, totoo naman kasi. We are all a little lost in this life. No one really knows what they're supposed to do. And that's okay. 

- Win, Aking Tala by @/mochiewin  (Twitter AU)

 




I don't really know if these all made sense, but this I know...this definitely feels so good. To finally able to write my heart out again like I used to. 
If you made it here, thank you for "listening". 

PPS. Be kind always. 

 

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