Coming Back To The Heart of Worship.

by - 10:05:00 PM

May my God give me wisdom. =)))

Happy ako, in a way, that I can easily express my thoughts and put it into words. They say it's a talent.. but I say it's guts. Then He say, it's a gift. Since it's a gift then I should make something out of it.
For those who knew me well, who have been with me from the time being.. Yung mga taong laging updated sa mga posts ko, yung mga taong apektado sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko... You would surely see the difference. And I don't wanna go on in silence cause I have the feeling that I am obliged to explain what happened to my life lately. Not because feeling popular ako, but because maybe, just maybe, what happened to me might happen to you too.

This is my own testimony.

I grew up getting everything I wanted and since then, i developed THE attitude. The Bratinella attitude, the kulang-sa-pansin attitude, miss immature, miss spoiled.. name it. I was even tagged as a psycho. Ayoko nang gawing detalyado kung pano ako lumaki.. dahil pang Maala-ala Mo Kaya ang drama. I just wanna tell how I turned out to be. The prodigal daughter.

I also grew up going to church every sundays, yung tipong champion sa Bible Drill pag sunday school. And nobody thought I'd be like this.
Di ko din alam kung pano nangyari. Ang alam ko lang, I woke up one day not knowing what to do... I had my own share of rejection stories. I had the hardest time when my ex boyfriend broke up with me after a month of dating. He just fell out of love. I didn't know where the courage came from when I decided to cut myself. I got used to it ever since. Acceptance was the word I can't chew. And letting go was unbearable for me those days. By the time I was forced to analyze and understand myself, I came up with a one word conclusion "self-centered". That's me. I only care about me. Always me. Only me.

I always follow my heart. I always take a step forward. Dangerous or safe. That includes always getting myself hurt. Whether I do it or they do it. Being selfless and selfish..both at the same time. How? Doing everything for someone only to find out in the end that its not really for them but it is to satisfy myself.

Then one day, I don't know why... but it just happened. She just happened. Di ko din alam kung anong klaseng pagmamahal yun. But in those days I really am convinced that I love them. Until now. Alam kong minahal ko sila. Oo. Sila. Three lesbian relationships. I know it is irrational for some. Guess I've never been sane.

Just to summarize my life story... I turned out to be a helpless case. The rebellious daughter you would never dream of having. I cut myself all the time. I ran away from home not only once or twice. I had relationships that the society disagrees. I dropped college 5 times. I am a total mess. The only thing I never got into was drugs.

Then... He came and rescued me again. He called me... this time I listened.

And I had my own turning point. These last few months, I consider it my darkest days. Or maybe not. I don't know. Basta mahirap. Sobrang hirap. Things were taken away from me. Like almost everything. And no one to talk to. Hindi sa talagang wala.. pero may mga taong gusto kang kausapin, ayaw mong kausap... at yung gusto mo namang kausap, ayaw ka namang pakinggan. Then He led me home. To my family. I really don't wanna go home, I don't want them to know what happened to me, but God left me no choice. I confided and found comfort in them.

I just broke up with my last girlfriend a month ago. Earlier reasons were because things got pretty messed up between me and her. Unbearable. Hindi na naging masaya. Nagmature lang ng konti to realize that the relationship is again ruining me. So I told myself, before that happens, I should let go. Twas never easy. I tried diverting my attention to some other guy. It didn't work.

Then I grew tired of being miss little messed up.

Let Go and Let God.

While at home, my sister keeps telling me to let go and let God and everything else will follow. At first, I don't wanna listen. I remained blind and deaf. I know the Truth but there's something I don't wanna let go yet and that was my love for my girlfriend. That's why I don't wanna attend church every Sundays because I don't wanna be a hypocrite. At ayoko ng pinpilit. Just then, I heard my cue one Wednesday evening. Me and my sister had a serious talk. Di ko na namalayan, umiiyak na pala ako sa kanya and I told her everything. My pain and my burden.And it was like He was there too, by my side listening. I ended up telling my sister that I am letting go. I just realized that maybe God wants me to just let go and trust Him. I don't know how it came to me, I just suddenly had the urge of giving it all to Him. I am even amazed how firm my decision was. That's how my real Life started.

I started going back to church on Sundays. The thirst I felt for Him was so overwhelming I couldn't even contain. When I surrendered everything to Him, I was changed. I was comforted. And I felt happy. 

Everything else did follow. Since I grew up in a christian community, I know what's the responsibility in joining the music team of the church. But at that time I am so much willing to take the responsibilty. All I know is that I wanna be used by Him. Sa kahit na anong paraan. I wanna serve Him. 

till next blog. hindi na ulit gumagana utak ko ehhh.. but yeah, may kasunod pa'to.

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  1. I'm glad that you have come to embrace God and His glory. I hope that you will find the man He wanted you to spend your lifetime with.

  2. Thank you po. While waiting i'll walk with Him.

  3. This is very inspiring =) Thank you Lord..


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