major loser

by - 12:42:00 PM

I met a man. And he was just a man. I met him after heartbreak. So he was just a man to me. I never knew what games he plays. We talk plain talk. He’s actually boring. He listens but never really listens. We’re exchanging messages from time to time, pretending to check on each other, but that’s just it. There wasn’t really anything in every message, nothing really special. I was in pain that moment so I tasted fun, though he wasn’t really fun. I was looking for magic that would take my pain away.

Then the magic came. One day I woke up I’m not thinking about my pain. I was thinking about him. I was missing him. I was missing his messages. I was so eager to talk to him. And poof! He wasn’t just a man to me. He became someone.

And so it happened. I cherished him. And he doesn’t feel the same. Though I thought he does. Then I committed the biggest mortal sin ever in my entire life, though I thought it was just fine to love someone expecting nothing in return. I don’t know why. I feel fine, I feel happy. I felt contentment. And then we started playing the game. The game I thought I could endure till last. But I was wrong. He played the game very well, and I thought I was. Till it became unbearable, I fell deep, deeper than what I expected. And we called the game off. Then I started whining. Because it hurts, it hurts so much! I started shouting. I can’t keep my mouth shut. The game we had was of course a top secret. And so I committed the second biggest mortal sin in my life, it got him so mad. And now I was left alone devastated. All consumed. All this time I was hoping he could love me back, now just making him smile back at me is far too impossible.

After everything I realized eleven things:

One, I was stupid and dumb
Two, I was stupid and dumb
Three, I was stupid and dumb
Four, I was stupid and dumb
Five, I was stupid and dumb
Six, I was stupid and dumb.
Seven, I was stupid and dumb.
Eight, I was stupid and dumb.
Nine, I was stupid and dumb
Ten, I was stupid and dumb
Eleven, I am ten times stupid and dumb and a MAJOR LOSER.

Now I don’t even know how to get out of this. I don’t know how to make things right. I don’t know what to do. I’ll just let it go and let time solve this for me. Time again. I’m clinging to time again. I GUESS IT’S THE PERFECT TIME TO SHUT UP. Pray for miracles. And sleep till this heartache end. Let memories of him consume me.

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